After 180 Days of Solitude I Met My Real Self

No. I don’t promise a happy ending.

While the title meant to capture your attention, the truth is that this story is a work in progress. One that’s being written, every second, every day and time of the year.

Let me start by saying, meeting your real self is not pretty.

It’s definitely not a walk in the park. It’s scary and it can lead to utter turmoil.

But don’t worry, you can survive it! I did too.

In March, 2020, the pandemic happened. We were forced to sit back and embrace the idea of solitude. While some of us were secretly rejoicing at the idea of not having to commute to work, some of us dreaded being left alone with our thoughts.

If I have to be truly honest, during the first few months of the pandemic I was glad. Hey! I didn’t have to show up at work and at the same time I could work and relax from my bed. Win win!

Eventually reality started to hit.

Lines between work and personal life started to blur. I realized I was trapped inside the confines of my home. The panic about my impending future started to settle in when I realized all my dreams and aspirations for 2020, had come to a standstill.

But one reminder kept me sane — You’re not alone.

People all over the world are going through the same thing. Things are bad. But they will get better.

Today, I’m not ashamed to say. Things got worse.

As a stranger over the internet rightly said — ”Things will get worse, before they can get better".

That’s pretty much what happened to me. I didn’t know what was lying ahead. But I’m glad for my failures because they make me stronger today.

I quit my job without one in July 2020. It was an emergency and I had no plan. I know it sounds kinda nightmarish to do so during the pandemic; When people all over the world were losing jobs and couldn’t even afford to make ends meet.

I could afford the luxury of quitting my job.

But at the time I did so, I had to make an important choice; Was money more important or my sanity?

When it boiled down to that, my answer was clear.

Things got a little interesting after that. After this point, I spent about 180 days in complete isolation. It was like my own version of 'Vipassana’.

Vipassana is a gentle-yet-thorough technique of meditation where you embark on a self exploration journey and observe your thoughts.

I never went into it with the intention of doing so. It just happened gradually as I spent time alone and in utter silence. Turns out when you get rid of the clutter , your vision alters itself.

At first I struggled with the idea of accepting my thoughts; I fought them so hard. I distracted myself with Netflix, binge eating and mindless scrolling on social media.

But nothing worked. The thoughts came back stronger every single time.

Finally I gave in.

I allowed my thoughts to take precedence and started observing them. I eventually realised I was suffering from CPTSD.

I would get flashbacks of some traumatic memories I had suppressed a long time ago and I wondered.. Why were these memories popping up now again? I had put them to bed a long time ago.

Clearly not.

I started digging more as I observed my thoughts and I eventually reached a point where I experienced something profound.

Some people call it 'ego death' or simply a shift in consciousness.

It was where I started observing my whole life up until this point and some common repetitive patterns of behavior.

That’s when I started to question my identity; Who am I? Am I really this person? Have I really made all these choices in my life on my own accord or have they been facilitated by opinions of loved ones?

What I experienced was one of the most challenging experiences of my life; I didn’t even recognise myself anymore.

I realised I had to leave my old self, and become a new person. I almost felt like I was born again and had a second shot at life.

It sounds like some philosophical bullshit. But let me tell you, it changed me. I didn’t want to live like my old self, where I felt pained and chained to my expectations and the people around me. I wanted to live.

Truly live, for me.

My subconscious mind wanted to show me that I wasn’t the person I thought I was — A failure.

I was amazing and human. And that I had just succumbed to the world’s obligations.

Meeting my ego was a humbling experience and it made me realize that there is so much more to life than all the achievements/expectations that were set on me.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe goals are important. But I also think, knowing your truth is important. Or rather knowing your why?

That keeps me going these days..

After 180 days of solitude, I am pleased to say, I met my real self.

And let me tell you,

I am far from disappointed.